Motherhood

It's not wrong to want to be a mother

It's not wrong to want more 

To feel more

To feel my baby on my chest breathing slowly in

A beautiful soothing comforting way

I just know that I want this 

I need the touch 

I need the smell

I need the laugh

I need my Baby in reality 

Not in my imagination.

Truth is my body failed to push a baby out 

Ironically 

will see 

Her

I never wish to hate her 

Is it okay to just leave

Is it okay to just hide things for me 

Is it okay just to come and go 

Like i never existed 

Like i never mattered 

Like we were never close

All the memories that kept me hopeful

Vanished like they were never there 

Maybe you mean too much to me 

But no one understands the pain you caused 

By neglecting me hurting me making me feel unloved unwanted

I underestimated you  

And i simply underestimated my feelings for you

It's just friendship means the world to me and even more 

Decembre

 
I have a thing for Decembre 

cold feet 

wind breeze 

silent nitght 

all of a sundden 

things made since again 

Hug me Decembre 

Don't Go ...

Nightmare

I'm having bad dreams again 

I got rapped by this ugly man 

I tried so hard to push him away 

I always thought that i'm bit strong i can defend myself 

After feeling all the pain 

The dream set me free 

I jumed through a window 

 It was a coffee shop window

I  yelled  : "you fucking pig "

Yet he returned 

He tried to hit with something 

He missed it 

I was ferious and so angry 

I yelled : " you missed you ugly fucker "

I really hate men 

Ugly 

They make sick 

late cold night

anyone ever get that moment where you could be having a great fine time and then suddenly everything, the world, just goes completely silent and lonely for no reason and literally everything feels so empty and you feel so hollow

 It's Been a While  

While ago i was very damaged 

Well now i'm more damaged than ever 

The slite diffrent was that i'm not going to change anything nor do anything about it 

All I know 

it'll pass

it Always will 

Daddy issues 2

 Before my mom's death i was never okay with her relationship with my father 

she was toughly kind 

she gave us everything  she could to make us happy 

but dad never appreciate what she done for us 

till the day she passed away 

and i held the grudge for that 

my mom was my favorite person in the whole world 

i can't ever blame any1 for her death

she kept her anger inside till she exploded 

i lost her 

my dad too 

he lost her 

i was never in a good phase with him not before not now 

and i think 

not ever 

maybe he sees my mom in me 

maybe his too sad to deal with me 

we always had something to fight  about

we're so good at fighting 

money rondom stuff 

money 

money 

money ...

since i moved out now 

and i'm all good 

i'm okay with missing him and check on him daily 

but never okay to live with him again 

i'm pain in his ass i guess 

i never meant to make him sad 

i wish i can see him a happy man 

whether with some woman or by himself 

i can't ever feel his love 

my mom's love 

is more than enough 

i'm carring it in my heart till the day i join her